I Do Not Understand Reality, 11 December 2011


Q: How many Santa Clauses live in the Lower Haight?

A: I don’t know either; I lost count after about a hundred.

San Francisco experienced its annual gathering of Santa Claus impersonators yesterday, with several hundred to possibly a thousand meeting in front of City Hall and then fanning out all over the city, not doing what Santa Clauses do; instead of handing out presents and letting children bit on their laps in department stores, a thousand Santas went pub-crawling. Either in bars or on sidewalks walking to the next bar. And that is what I do not understand; isn’t that something Santa would do on December 26?

Then again, this is San Francisco; in simple English, we don’t do normal Santas. We do Santa differently here. What follows is a list of as many unusual Santas that I can recall:

  1. Hundreds of Santa Claus-ettes in Santa Claus dresses with hemlines all the way up to there, and I bet their legs got awfully cold once the sun started going down and the wind started kicking up.
  2. A Protest Santa, carrying a protest sign: “Occupy North Pole!”
  3. A Gandalf the Grey Santa.
  4. A Dr. Frank-N-Furter (from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”) Santa.
  5. A transvestite Santa.
  6. A George Clinton (Parliament-Funkadelic) Santa.
  7. Female go-go dancer Santas.
  8. Male go-go dancer Santas.
  9. A tap-dancing Santa Claus who asked for my business card, but I think I’m much too old for her. But I could be wrong.
  10. A blue Santa Claus who was not singing “Blue Christmas,” so he probably was not a fan of the Indianapolis Colts.
  11. A Patrick Willis Santa Claus (linebacker, #52 for the San Francisco 49ers, and anything but a Santa Claus to opposing offenses).
  12. A Cowboy Santa Claus, yep with a red cowboy hat and red velvet chaps (possibly a Brokeback Mountain theme?).
  13. A 19th Century St. Nicholas in the traditional brown and green outfit.

However, and I feel proud of my city to be able to write this, I did not see even one Elvis Santa. This is San Francisco. We have imagination here. Now if only we didn’t have so much of it

Vonn Scott Bair


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