1. Eating Doritos will turn me into an accessory after the fact to animal cruelty.
2. If I ever become a suicidal vampire, I should buy an Audi.
3. Fiats are ideal for men who want to relive the joyful times with their nastiest ex-girlfriends.
4. David Beckham umdies are ideal for married men who want to show themselves off during a TV show watched by tens of millions of, um–men.
5. Drink Pepsi and my taste in clothes will go straight to heck–and the 18th Century.
6. Whenever I do my taxes online I should call to mind the thought of children peeing in public swimming pools.
7. Eat Greek yogurt and your girlfriend will headbutt you.
8. If I eat at Jack in the Box, I will engage in unnatural relations with a slice of pork belly.
Vonn Scott Bair