What I Learned from the Super Bowl Advertisements, 2012

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Good Evening:

1. Eating Doritos will turn me into an accessory after the fact to animal cruelty.

2. If I ever become a suicidal vampire, I should buy an Audi.

3. Fiats are ideal for men who want to relive the joyful times with their nastiest ex-girlfriends.

4. David Beckham umdies are ideal for married men who want to show themselves off during a TV show watched by tens of millions of, um–men.

5. Drink Pepsi and my taste in clothes will go straight to heck–and the 18th Century.

6. Whenever I do my taxes online I should call to mind the thought of children peeing in public swimming pools.

7. Eat Greek yogurt and your girlfriend will headbutt you.

8. If I eat at Jack in the Box, I will engage in unnatural relations with a slice of pork belly.

Vonn Scott Bair

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