Wild Naked Sex at Franklin Square!, Or, How to Insult a Crow


Good Evening:

There I stood in the children’s playground at Franklin Square park, looking for subjects to photograph because I had arrived waaaaaay too early for a party. I did find an interesting construction site, and then the Muni bus yard, but still had a few minutes to kill and a potentially nice sunset to await.

A male crow flew to the top of a telephone phone and started to squawk. A few minutes later, a female crow landed on the pole, and the avian couple began to do something I can only describe as kissing, touching each other’s open beaks. After that, they slowly waved their tail feathers from side to side, like this:


Done with that, the crows walked around each other for moment, followed by this:


That’s not one crow, that’s two crows making more crows.

Afterwards, the male flew away–isn’t that just like a man?–but he was a man with a plan. He flew over my head, and a second later, I heard a soft sort of “ploop” sound four feet to my left.

The sound of crow droppings landing on the ground.

He had tried to bomb me.

As he flew off, I shouted after him, “Hey! You were engaged in wild naked sex in a public space above a children’s playground! I had every right to take pictures!”

Then I insulted him, using the most painful, cutting, hurtful, shame-inducing insult any human can hurl at a crow.

“And your aim SUCKS!!”


Vonn Scott Bair


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