Are the Oregon Ducks Doomed? By Their Uniforms??


Good Evening:

I hope I don’t get into too much trouble for writing this.

However, whilst preparing my meal for tomorrow’s Oregon vs. Ohio State college football national championship game (homemade 2.5 alarm chili with Arbol, Ancho, Chipotle and Jalapeño Chiles, homemade guacamole, blue corn tortilla chips, cornmeal mush, plus oranges and chocolates for desert, all washed down with Speakeasy’s Payback Porter), something odd occurred to me: Phil Knight might have hurt his team.

The Oregon Fashion Fiascos have become notorious for their wildly extravagant uniforms, designed by Nike, whose founder and CEO Mr. Knight graduated from the school and still loves it madly. They have resorted to bizarre color combinations in the past. Last year they wore green and yellow uniforms with pink helmets for one game–I told my co-worker whose son Chris Siesey will have a huge role in tomorrow’s game that “the correct term they use in sports newscasts is ‘human highlight reel,’ not ‘human highlighters.'” Her team had won that game, so she didn’t beat me up too badly. But that was last year.

Their best game of this year? Florida State, where they wore the green and yellow.

Their worst? The loss to Arizona, where the Costumed Catastrophes wore–I kid thee not–black and silver uniforms with pink helmets.

The uniform colors that Nike has decided that Oregon will wear for their most important game this year? They will wear white–and silver.

Just as they wore silver in their only loss.

This raises questions.

First, why the hickberffle stafflegroff (pardon my language) is a shoe company dictating to the teams what uniforms they will wear?! Should not the universities themselves decide for themselves what they themselves will wear?! How is this not wrong in a zillion different ways?

Second, why will Ohio State wear a uniform that differs only a little from their traditional design, and sticks to the school’s scarlet & grey colors? Incidentally, that color combination looks magnificent on the football field.

Third, green & yellow vs. scarlet & grey would look awesome on television–both teams could wear their home uniforms!

Fourth, why is Mr. Knight, who allegedly loves his alma mater very very much, foisting upon them silver, a color that they wore in their only loss of the current season?

And that’s when I asked myself the question.

Does Phil Knight want Oregon to LOSE the game??

Think about this for a moment. The Unwatchables have faced a week of intense scrutiny every since they had to suspend WR Darren Carrington. Oregon does not need this; aside from losing one of their important players, they get snowed by unwanted media frenzies. And this happened after the uniform unveiling.

Coincidence? Or conspiracy?! Or have the Buckeyes blackmailed Phil Knight??

Anyway, about the game itself. OSU’s Cardale Jones is a really big guy for a quarterback, and might be bigger than any of Oregon’s defensive backs. Surely the Buckeyes have spent the past week looking for ways to spring him into the secondary on quarterback draws and read-option plays, especially if they see the White & Silver (??) playing man coverage. I anticipate a high-scoring game that will stay close until one team pulls away in the fourth quarter and wins by maybe 14 points.

I don’t know which team. But if Oregon loses, you might fairly blame the uniforms.

Vonn Scott Bair


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