Monthly Archives: April 2015

Turkish Spam Poetry! At Least, I Think It’s Turkish.


Good Evening:

Regular readers know that I like to take the spam emails that arrive in my In Box and rearrange them into poetry. But I don’t know what to do with this.

The Subject Title:

ismim gamze ben cidi anamda konusup tanismak isterim aslen izmir konakliyim eyer sende istiyorsan resimler bak eyer sende istersen konusursu

The Text:

once size ratsizil verdiysem cok ozur dilerim benim ismim gamze uskupte makedonyada yim su an  ama aslen izmir konakliyim babam izmirli yani ama babami trafik kazainda kaybedince anem burdan yani makedonyadan evlilik yapmis bn kucuk ken tabi bes yasindayken ve simdi artik 25 yasindayim ve uvey babanin yaninda yerim olmadini dusunuyorum artik o uzden kendi yivami kurup hayatima deevvam etmmek istiorum ve ben buyum yani kisaca kendimi tanitim sanirim eyer sende olur dersen ara konusalim 0038970420755 bu benim cep numaram eyer ararsan konusurus mailinizi kiz arkadasim bilgisayardan cikardi 

ona nyetimmi anladinca oda senin uygun oldunu dusundu cevabinizi bekelrim cevabinnizibekelrim 

eyer ratsizlik verdiysem senden cok ozur dilerim

Beneath this a picture of a smiling woman with black hair covered with a scarf, sitting on the curb of a paved road in some village. My very wild guess is that I have been invited to join a dating phone service for Turkish men, because I think that long number is a telephone number. I have always associated words that start with “iz” and end in “im” or “ik” with the Turkish language (an association that might prove hopelessly wrong, and I hope I don’t accidentally offend anyone). On the other hand, this could still be total gibberish. Or total obscenities and porn. I’m rather taking a chance here.

But here is my horrific attempt at a blank verse poem, using only the Subject Title and trying to keep it as close to ten syllables per line as possible.

Lovelorn and Lonely on a Loveless and Lonely Road

A Spam Poetry Poem by Vonn Scott Bair

ismim gamze ben cidi anamda

konusup tanismak isterim

aslen izmir konakliyim

eyer sende istiyorsan

resimler bak eyer sende

istersen konusursu

Vonn Scott Bair


SOMA Neighborhood, San Francisco, California, Saturday 18 April 2015.


Good Evening:

I happened to run errands in San Francisco’s SOMA (South OMArket) neighborhood during a good light day on Saturday afternoon and took a bunch of pictures of the area, originally a light industry zone rapidly turning into a residential neighborhood. Here are some of the decent and/or curious results.

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“Propane Sales” is quite a paradoxical shot. When editing it in iPhoto, I realized that I had applied the techniques of the American Photorealism painters of the 1960s to create, um, uh, well–photographs. Photos that mimic the style of paintings that mimic the style of photos.


Vonn Scott Bair

Hung Yi Sculptures, San Francisco Civic Center


Good Afternoon:

So the work crews finished installing all of the sculptures at the Civic Center, mentioned in a recent picture puzzle post, and I present the bulk of them. The artist is a Taiwanese sculptor named Hung Yi, and I could find surprisingly little about him online, at least after one cursory search. Personally prefer the first picture because it let me make the best use of City Hall in the background.

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And a few closeups, showing the detail and hard work that went into these artworks.

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Vonn Scott Bair

Another New Picture Puzzle!


Good Evening:

Fair warning; this post is a tad raunchy. I don’t mean to offend anyone.

The men’s room at The Exit Theatre is famous in the Bay Area theater scene for possessing one of the most abused warning signs in the entire history of restrooms inside Western theaters.


Oh, well, look at the bright side–it’s time for another picture puzzle!

How many clever puns on “urine” or “urinal” can you find?

Vonn Scott Bair

PS–The answer: sorry, it was a trick question. There are no clever puns in the sign!

PPS–OK, so how many groaningly bad puns can you find?

PPPS–I have no idea what the women have with their sign.

Newest Picture Puzzle, 15 April 2015!


Good Evening:

Typical San Francisco Civic Center. You go to work in the morning, and it’s bare. Come home from work at 5:00 p.m. and you see these:

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Maybe the artist(s) will finish the exhibit tomorrow

Which brings me to my latest picture puzzle! To those of you new to the fun, the rules are simple: first, I present an overall picture of an object:


Now some extreme closeups:

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And all you have to do is locate the closeups on the object itself. Normally, I do not design my puzzles to pose too many problems, but this time I could not resist having a little fun:

Which of these closeups did not come from the sculpture itself?


Vonn Scott Bair

PS–My collection of plays The Genuine Show! opens Thursday at the Exit Theater. Tickets here.

The Genuine Show! Rehearsal, 12 March 2015.


Good Evening:

Load-In Day. A phrase that frequently evokes terror in the theater world, Load-In Day refers to one of the physical events in theater, when the entire cast and crew combine to move all of their costumes, props, special equipment, cases of 8 oz. bottles of water, and other sundry heavy items into the theater they will call home during the show’s run. Fortunately, we have an excellent director in Wesley Cayabyab, whose organization worked so well we only needed an hour to get everything done.

So we had our first full run-through.

And all I can say is “Wow.”

The Cast of The Genuine Show! Listening to Instructions from Their Director

The Six Actors of The Genuine Show! Listening to Instructions from Their Director

“Wow” has become one of our inside jokes (from one of the plays, “Jack & John & Jackie & Joanie”), but here it means that I am ab-so-lute-ly THRILLED with the work the cast has done. They bring more than creativity to their acting; they always surprise me with interpretations that I would never imagine in a hundred years, yet whatever they do remains true to the script.

Incidentally, I took all of these shots with my iPhone 6 Plus, which has done surprisingly well in low-light conditions, requiring only a few adjustments in iPhoto.

Sarah Galarneau & Philip Goleman in "Yes Maybe No."

Sarah Galarneau & Philip Goleman in “Yes Maybe No.”

Playwrights become pretty darn useless at this point in the production; seriously, the best help we verbose critters can provide consists of silence. At the end of the run-through, I kept it simple: “I have just one word to add, no, two. Thank you.” OK, that’s eleven words, but still really, really reticent by playwright standards.

Rehearsing "Keeping You Man in Line on the 21-Hayes." Left to right: Sarah Leight, Jocelyn Truitt, Philip Goleman, Colin Hussey (standing), Sarah Galarneau, Richard Wenzel.

Rehearsing “Keeping You Man in Line on the 21-Hayes.” Left to right: Sarah Leight, Jocelyn Truitt, Philip Goleman, Colin Hussey (standing), Sarah Galarneau, Richard Wenzel.

Keeping You Man in Line of the 21-Hayes has two unique distinctions among the plays–the only one with no dialogue and the only one inspired by one of my own blog posts! Please see this post (one of my very earliest!) for the story.

Can’t wait for Opening Night on Thursday. No jitters, just good old-fashioned excitement. If you can’t wait, either, tickets are available at Brown Paper Tickets.

Vonn Scott Bair

The Fine Art of the Front Stoop on a Friday Afternoon at 5:30 p.m.


Good Evening:

Or the front porch. Or the lawn chair on the front lawn. I write of one of the under-appreciated almost-neccesities of life.


San Francisco, California, Friday afternoon, 5:30 p.m., 10 April 2015. Just the right amount of breeze, just the right amount of cool. Dogs and their obedient humans enjoy their daily joyful reunions, followed by the daily stroll to the park.

Watching the world walk by on a Friday afternoon at 5:30 p.m. with a freshly-arrived magazine to read and an iPhone at one side playing vintage Dave Matthews Band and on the other side a rather decent dirt-cheap red in a clean wine glass.

And the world strolls by.


The occasional nod to someone walking home who looks at your clean wine glass of dirt-cheap red and seems to think, “That looks like a good idea.” Sometimes even a mutual hello with someone you do not know.

And that makes the front stoop, or the front porch, or the lawn chair on the front lawn, one of life’s almost-necessities.

It restores sanity.

Vonn Scott Bair