Monthly Archives: June 2015

A Serendip of San Franciscans: City Hall, 12:54 p.m., 16 June 2015.

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Good Evening:

I have arbitrarily decided that the group noun for a number of my fellow citizens will be “a Serendip of San Franciscans.” I took all of these pictures in front of City Hall, all of them in the space of a single minute on Tuesday afternoon using a Nikon Coolpix 9900, edited slightly in iPhoto.

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Vonn Scott Bair

Angel Pagan: A Player Who’s a Fan of the Fans.

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Good Evening:

This is San Francisco Giants centerfielder Angel Pagan:

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And yes, center field can become a lonely place to play.

You will find a few players like Pagan on teams that win a bunch of championships in just a few years; they remain totally unknown to casual fans of a sport, mostly unknown to fans of opposing teams, and totally appreciated by the fans of their teams who know that they make quiet but decisive contributions to a team’s success, even if all they do consists of a single critical play during a single critical playoff game.

But I hadn’t noticed one curious aspect of his defense until Saturdays’s 4-2 loss to Arizona.

He will literally turn his back on the game.

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Between batters, sometimes between pitches, he turns around and looks at the centerfield bleachers. Well, no, not the bleachers. He likes to watch the fans. Angel Pagan likes to watch the folks who like to watch him, sometimes even grinning or laughing when he sees an especially colorfully costumed fan. And then somehow he turns around in time and sets himself in preparation for the next pitch. I wish I knew how he does that.

A few more shots from Saturday’s game; overall, my camera work was even worse than the Giants’ offense, but a small handful turned out satisfactorily.

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This gentleman continued a tradition started last year by of all things New York Mets fans: inoffensive, bizarre, sometimes funny insults directed at Hunter Pence. Pence even got insulted by President Obama during the team’s White House visit last month (“Hunter Pence eats pizza with a fork.”). Hence, this sign in response:

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Yeah, we get really strange in the San Francisco bleachers.

I’ll never sit anywhere else.

Vonn Scott Bair

Intervention at Disneyland.

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Good Afternoon:

Every second Saturday of the month, San Francisco’s Exit Theatre hosts something called Saturday Write Fever, a fun little event of instant theater creation. I attended last night’s get-together.

The idea is simple: create a one-person monologue in 30 minutes. The overall theme for last night’s event: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Each playwright drew a piece of paper from an urn (not a chalice, an urn) that contained a line that he or she had to include in the monologue. Since I don’t swear, I can’t tell you exactly what mine was, but it was very close to “Who holds a f@#$king intervention at Disneyland?!”

Keep in mind that the writers have no idea which actors will read their material.

And yes, that does make things interesting.

After the writers returned to the cafe in which the performance would take place, we drew slips of from a chalice (not an urn, a chalice) with the names of the actors. I worked with the actor Rob Stern, who could not have looked or acted more well-suited for my little rant of a piece. Good thing, too: the quality of the writing and acting was the best I’ve seen at these Saturday Write Fever events, with not even one weak monologue or performer.

And so, I present “Intervention at Disneyland.” I have slightly edited the piece, adding <> to bracket and identify the new material. Incidentally, I was the only writer who not only included his/her line, I included the Theme as well.

INTERVENTION AT DISNEYLAND

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” You know what I say, Terry? “Today is the last day of the rest of your life!”

It isn’t how you cheat on me with other men. It isn’t how you cheat on me with other women. It isn’t how you steal from your boss, steal from your church, or steal from me.

It isn’t how you lie to EVERYONE, most of all me.

It isn’t how you leave the toilet seat up.

It isn’t even how you drove me to drink.

So what is it that will make me kill you in the next five minutes, <turn myself in to the police, confess, plead justifiable homicide, and get acquitted by a jury of my peers>?

Today you had a doctor, a counselor, a social worker, and a priest AMBUSH me at an amusement part in front of our children because you think I have a drinking problem.

That’s why you die tonight.

WHO HOLDS A F@#$ING INTERVENTION AT DISNEYLAND??

Vonn Scott Bair

“? Techno Papa??? A Meditation U???pon the Dehumaniz???ation of Dads by Technology ?” Spam Poetry, 12 June 2015!

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Good Evening:

The spam filters at work haven’t kept up with the latest in bots, so I’ve gotten a lot of junk emails lately. One bot of particularly bad quality sent this mess:

Fathers Day is June 21st
List of changes: on first onboarding screen, if typing occupation and hit go on keyboard, the upload photo action sheet comes up (undesired behavior) * welcome photo upload – needs loading spinner * referrals page – loading shows both member and non-member views for a second – needs loading spinner – just subscribed to a plan, isMember scope variable is cached briefly – maybe do ParseQueryService call each time? * user profile page – tables flash before content is loaded * ???Having network trouble???? should be a subheader on every page – maybe log user out and ask to login again * iOS app sharing smart banner isn???t working * on last welcome/onboarding screen, make buttons for 467 app (for mobile web) and going into app clearer about what they do * when upgrading/downgrading, the account menu header still caches the old plan
? Father’s Day is only a few days away ?
What Dad Really Wants Search Ads→
button Initialized…. List Selection Listener… List Complete… Setting Opaque statuses… Setting Window Opacity… Finalizing

So herewith forthwith and henceforth I present my latest spam Poetry:

? Techno Papa??? A Meditation U???pon the Dehumaniz???ation of Dads by Technology ?

Fathers Day is June 21st

List of changes: on first onboarding screen,

if typing occupation and hit go on keyboard,

the upload photo action sheet

comes up (undesired behavior)

* welcome photo upload – needs loading spinner *

referrals page – loading shows both

member and non-member views

for a second –

needs loading spinner –

just subscribed to a plan,

maybe do ParseQueryService call each time?

tables flash before content is loaded ???

Having network trouble????

iOS app sharing smart banner isn???t working

? Father’s Day is only a few days away ?

button Initialized….

List Selection Listener…

List Complete…

Setting Opaque statuses…

Setting Window Opacity…

Finalizing

What Dad Really Wants

Search Ads→

You dads out there–can’t you just feel the dehumanizing effects of tech?

Vonn Scott Bair

Wordless Wednesday: The Bus Stop @ Cesar Chavez & Connecticut, 10 June 2015.

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Good Afternoon:

Studies of some of the buildings at that intersection.

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All shots taken with an iPhone 6 Plus.

Vonn Scott Bair

Mural Photo Puzzle, 9 June 2015! (Weekly Photo Challenge: Vivid)

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Good Evening:

This might prove one of my toughest puzzles yet. First, the vivid mural as a whole:

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And yes, this is another of the new murals on Erie Street. Next, I present some closeups of the artwork.

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Can you locate the closeups in the mural as a whole?

Yes I do think one will pose more difficulties than usual. Have fun!

Vonn Scott Bair

“Regrets and Farewells, from $98:” New Spam Scam Poetry, 9 June 2015!

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Good Evening:

I like to take the spam that appears in my In Box at work and turn it into poetry (see here, here and here for just three of many examples). But the spam I received today posed greater challenges than normal:

All this time I was wondering if you were ever going to ask me. I know that you cant always be there but at least it was ok. Yesterday when you called me I thought you were talking about the other day when you were later. Im sorry if you think that way.

MOVE WITHOUT WORRY FROM $98 

Move Door-To-Door From $98

We make sure your move gets done on-time and without headache. Whether you’re moving 1 mile or 1,000 you can move for less. View selected ads for best options. 

Pre-selected ads are featured.

Choose from a fleet that offers van lines or full semi trucks. A custom fit for your custom move with the right-price.

Move Wihtout Hassel, view top moving company ads in your area >

* Home and work relocations

* Packing Services

* Heavy and bulk items

* Senior moving

*

See the problem? There’s a huge change of tone after the first paragraph, an entirely different subject, ridiculous punctuation, and a lot of verbiage that probably cannot find a place in any true work of poetry. But I wanted to do more than simply delete everything after the first paragraph.

Finally, I came up with this:

Regrets and Farewells, Email Spam Poetry Edited by Vonn Scott Bair

All this time I was wondering

If you were ever going to

Ask me.

I know that you cant always

be there but at least it was

OK.

Yesterday when you called me

I thought you were talking

about the other day when you were

Later.

 Im sorry if you think that way.

Move without worry

From ninety-eight dollars.

Move Door-To-Door

From ninety-eight dollars.

Move Wihtout Hassel

From ninety-eight dollars.

Ah, such a sad and sweet and bitter and bittersweet ode from a lover whose love for the other remains, but the love between them has gone, moved away for ninety-eight dollars.

I hope I didn’t break too many hearts.

Vonn Scott Bair

New Photo Puzzle! (Weekly Photo Challenge: Vivid)

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Good Evening:

I’ve done a few of these before, so you might already know the rules. First, this mural in the Lower Haight, product of a artist with a most vivid imagination:

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Now, some closeups:

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And now, the challenge: can you place the closeups in their proper locations in the mural?

Have fun.

Vonn Scott Bair

New San Francisco Murals, 6 June 2015. (Weekly Photo Challenge: Vivid.)

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Good Morning:

Living in San Francisco, possibly the world’s most “muralized” city in terms of murals per square mile, kinda sorta gives one an easy source of inspiration for vivid pictures. Erie Street in the Mission District, actually more of an alley, has served as a canvas for artists for years. The murals normally don’t last more than a year before replacement; here are four of the newer ones.

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Vonn Scott Bair

San Francisco Food Trucks, 5 June 2015. (Weekly Photo Challenge: Vivid)

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Good Evening:

When we discuss instant traditions only a few years old in San Francisco that have hung around since the 1800s (or something like that), we must discuss the Friday lunch hour food trucks that gather just across the street from City Hall. The tradition: the work week has almost ended, let’s get lunch and a side order of fresh air, sunshine, cool breezes, greenery and shade.

The challenge for the trucks: standing out in the crowd and drawing customers.

The solution: Colors. Really. Vivid. Colors.

For example (all shots taken with my iPhone 6 Plus):

HiYAAA! Food Truck, 5 June 2015.

HiYAAA! Food Truck, 5 June 2015.

Senor Sisic Food Truck, 5 June 2015.

Senor Sisic Food Truck, 5 June 2015.

Let Your Falafel Affair Begin.

Let Your Falafel Affair Begin.

I like the front of the Liba Truck:

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Yes, that’s a mirror image of “FALAFEL” like a mirror image of “AMBULANCE.” Which makes sense: when hunger has become an emergency, falafels come to the rescue. The next truck look restrained by comparison, but when you look at what they sell, basic black is fine for Bacon Bacon.

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Ah, but you, my clever and intelligent reader, you are asking a clever and intelligent question! “Does all this wildly colorful decoration-slash-advertising work? Do these bright and vivid colors draw hungry crowds to these trucks?”

Behold the answer:

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Vonn Scott Bair

PS–If I have accidentally induced hunger pangs in anyone, I apologize. Unless I don’t.

Flowers & Garbage Bins. (Weekly Photo Challenge: On the Way)

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Good Morning:

Saw this on the way to a lunch celebrating a co-worker’s birthday. Taken with an iPhone 6 Plus.

Flowers & Garbage Bins, Redwood Alley, San Francisco, California, 3 June 2015, 1:37 p.m.

Flowers & Garbage Bins, Redwood Alley, San Francisco, California, 3 June 2015, 1:37 p.m.

Vonn Scott Bair